Ah, the modern era: where achieving spiritual enlightenment is as easy as binge-watching Netflix series. And if the ads are to be believed, suddenly, your Aunt Susan’s feline knows Reiki, and Instagram accounts are sparkling brighter than strobe lights at the club. Yes, you heard it right, folks — this isn’t your grandma’s spiritual journey anymore. It’s the age of the Digital Enlightened, where within the span of a fortnight, any Joe — or should I say, any Joe’s cat — can transform into a certified healer, fresh from a 24-hour turbocharged rollercoaster ride to enlightenment nirvana!

What’s that? Hate your day job, you say? How about a spiritual awakening to lighten up your mundane existence? Guess what? lucky you, there’s a degree you can nab for this on good old Google.com. If you haven’t noticed, there are educational weekend workshops galore, with a flashy mirage of depth and wisdom served on a digital platter, about as nourishing as the half-baked prophecies hiding in those fortune cookies you’re fond of.

Let’s face it, genuine wisdom isn’t a quickie you can hustle through faster than microwaving your leftover Chinese food. Nor is it something you can add to your cart, alongside your probiotic yogurt and toilet paper at Superfood. Real wisdom demands patience — earned through blood, sweat, and tears — over grueling years, not as a notification from your bloody smartphone.

I can’t help but always wonder, those PDF diploma-owning enlightened gurus, How many tear-stained pillows exactly does it take to qualify to enroll in the next 4 hour “Change Your Life” certification? I get it, everyone and their Instagram followers dream of wielding ‘superpowers.’ But come on, having faced down a hurricane of existential dread does not make you qualified to walk others through their spiritual darkness. I know I keep repeating myself, but: just because you can recite sentences from “Guide to Awakening Your Inner Healer 101” doesn’t stack up against grueling years of practice and understanding in the realm of spiritual matters.

Now lets have a look at my favorite self proclaimed peers, what I call the “Insta-spiritual” guides: Fellow tarot card readers, sound bowl healers, Reiki masters, astrologers, and my all-time favorite one that I got last night, the miracle worker! I swear to god, toss them another esoteric book or a YouTube crash course and presto! They’re now celestial conduits ready to not just travel the astral plane themselves but are printing business cards and sponsoring ads on social media.

I’ll say it again, I totally get it. We all want to uncover that mystical side of ourselves, to dance with the divine. But calling on energies of the universe isn’t as simple as writing ‘abundance’ on a bay leaf after watching a TikTok tutorial. Please people, don’t fiddle with the divine, and for God’s sake, don’t dabble in shit you don’t understand unless you’re ready to face the karmic music. When daydreaming about toying with someone’s life force, you’d better be preparing to have a contingency plan in case the excrement hits the oscillating air circulation device — certainly, something better than just an, “Oops, my bad.”

I think its time to trade ego-trips and insta-ascensions for a healthy dose of brutal honesty. Theres evidence all around us that we are in desperate need of some real soul-searching and transformation at the heart of spirituality — less smoke, more substance. I promise you, if you put it up your nose, in your ass, and ladies, for the love of your divine purpose, were dumb enough to put it in your vagina you should now know there is no spiritual revellations to be had, quite frankly all its going to be is the laws of physics; what goes up must come down— and not always in a neat, pleasant manner.

To keep me from delving any further in this circus full of spiritual shortcuts and mystic chicanery, can we just pull our heads out of our asses and invite some honesty to the party? A decent helping of accountability and a sprinkling of skepticism can feel unappetizing, but these are the necessary components to keep us grounded on the path to personal growth. Enlightenment should be a lightbulb moment, not a tripwire to self-destruction.

As we stretch our ‘Insta-spiritual’ wings and capitalize on the wisdom attained from our keyboard-led expeditions — let’s bring a critical eye into play. Remember, an untrained surgeon is a disaster waiting to happen. So, why permit an online-certified spiritual guide to meddle with your existential journey?

I’m quite passionate about this topic, so not to just rant on and on, here is a little constructive advice to each one of you( I mean, you are still reading, right?)

To all you practitioners out there; This is the f***ing spiritual realm we’re talking about, overflowing with profound complexities and deeply personal battles — stuff we can’t lay our physical eyes on. So, before you declare yourself a spiritual guide or healer, get this straight: Real wisdom and authenticity can’t be hustled or bought with a few random clicks online.

You might be chock-full of good intentions, but hell, even those can spiral into a disaster when not backed up with proper knowledge and experience. If you’re hell-bent on playing healer or guide, you better cast your ego aside and plunge into your own journey first. Knowledge isn’t some shallow puddle — it’s a deep ocean you have to dive into headfirst, and wisdom isn’t some bloody certificate you can print after an online course.

Keep it real and remember, mucking with metaphysical stuff isn’t a game. Be darn sure you have the guts — and the wisdom — to handle the fallout if your well-meaning advice goes south.

To the Seekers: For f***’s sake, your spiritual journey isn’t a race to the finish line — it’s a wild, winding path that doesn’t come with shortcuts or quick fixes. So, buckle up and have the patience, resolve, and courage you need for the long haul.

Learn, absorb, and explore all you want — online, offline, anywhere. But do it with your eyes wide open and your BS detector on high alert. Doubts and uncertainties are not weaknesses — they’re the signs of a critical mind that doesn’t swallow any crap without chewing.

And remember, your spiritual growth isn’t a one-man show. It’s a tapestry woven with threads of self-exploration, self-love, and forgiveness. Let your soul steep in the richness of these experiences and let wisdom brew slowly.

When picking your spiritual guides, be picky. Trust your gut — Do you see genuine wisdom or a few self-help book quotes? Don’t let some so-called guru pull the wool over your eyes or exploit your vulnerabilities. Your spiritual wellbeing isn’t something you want to play fast and loose with.

To Those Seeking Practitioners: For all you brave souls seeking guidance from spiritual practitioners, tread lightly. Know what you’re getting into. Do your homework. And remember, your gut instincts are not just for decoration. If something feels off, trust that feeling. Don’t get swindled by sweet-talkers peddling quick fixes or enlightenment for hire.

Keep your eyes peeled on financial transparency. And for god’s sake, don’t throw your life savings at them in the first session. Practice good self-care, get a support network if things get hairy, but above all, stay grounded.

Embarking on this journey is no small feat — so whether you’re a practitioner, seeker, or just some wayward soul looking for a bit of guidance, strap in for a hell of a ride. It’s a long road, filled with trials, tribulations, and a ton of soul-searching. But if you’re willing to walk it with humility, respect, and a fair bit of patience, the journey is as rewarding as it gets.